Life's Tricks - Thinking Woman's Diary

Mourning, interrupted

Written: 29th May 2008 | Last Updated: 29th May 2008

As readers of these pages will know, I have been heavily mourning the loss of my eldest brother. He committed suicide last October after a lifetime battle with mental illness. Suddenly confronted with terrible stress and deep sadness, I entered (compulsorily) a cold and windswept psychological arena where "processing loss" demanded a physical toll as well as a mental one.

Believing that I was working through things in my usual quiet, constructive manner, I didn't notice that mourning was actually beginning to crush me, to flatten my spirit, to demand 24/7 attention. It's a very needy companion, one that asks you to see everything through its dark eyes, and to siphon off any distracting joy in the name of sufferance, because that's the rule. I generally have good instincts, but in this case I was misled by grief, taken down a passage where the light was dim and the chance of finding a way out close to non-existent. I was at risk of sinking into gloom.

My doctor wasn't happy with my blood pressure. I wore an ambulatory monitor for 24 hours. What showed up was that during the day, during my grief processing, my BP was high; but at night, when my agony relaxed, so did my heart. Almost immediately after this diagnosis, I began to pull myself out. I shifted tactics 180 degrees and found a new way of mourning; and that was (and is) not to be consumed by sadness; rather, to forgive and celebrate my brother, to remember his incredible spirit and love him, no matter how tragic his choice of exit. While it might sound trite to suggest he is in a better place, I have no doubt that from his viewpoint he is. So I shall accept his fate as he intended it to be accepted, and that is as a fait accompli, something he did because he wanted to do it, and not because the living let him down in any way.

I still feel anguished; that will continue for some time, and at some level for ever. But I have let the consuming pressure of loss dissipate so that I can live. It's the only way. I want to survive. Even without my darling, wise and brave brother.

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